Damn

I just realized I didn't buy an April pass and will have to line my sorry ass up at 'Shwa in the morning. Dammit. I just became one of the people I always make fun of.

Awesomeness

So I bust my ass to make the 4:53 but decide to hold out and take the 5:10 so I can get a seat only to discover the five (bad language alert) f*ck*n ten is all-stops-mother-of-all-milk-runs to Oshawa because the jokers who run the 5:05 lost their train. Plus, the customer service chick also thinks we're deaf because she keeps yelling that this train is all stops.
I don't understand. If they've made the 5:20 all stops as well, this should have been kept as express.


Oh my god, crying baby, too!? Serenity, now!

Say what?

I pulled this off the visitor logs. Dirty.

Saw

So apparently some of you jokers don't believe me that weapons tools such as sledgehammers and saws are available for use on the trains. In an "emergency" of course.

This is the best possible photo I could snap. That's a saw. On closer inspection, I also learned these tools are tested every three months. It doesn't say how, but they passed!

Go Go Transit Gong Show

Dear Management,
I promised I would never make this blog about you.
But you so went there ...

It was a train derailment. I'm glad it wasn't a terrorist attack because clearly, the system still remains somewhat disorganized and unprepared when a large scale service disruption occurs that isn't a suicide. And even those are a hot mess.
Just like how I plan to expect the unexpected with the shenanigans of fellow commuters, you've got to get it together, folks.

I'm surprised no one helped themselves to the complimentary pick-axe and sledgehammers provided on each coach ... right?

Some observations at Union Station:

6:23pm - Lady in blue coat bursts into tears after being told Pickering was still off limits. Eventually she collapsed into one of those blue steel chairs and called her husband/boyfriend/lover/brother on her cell and sobbed about "just wanting to get home". For real. I went and got my drink on at Four Bar at Wellington and Bay.

6:59pm - The group of college guys singing, "Let my people go" was the highlight of the evening.

8:13pm - The train I finally dragged my sorry ass onto was full of people extremely pissed off. These people were in desperate need of dates with Mr. Morgan and Ms. Gin. Why not make it an orgy with Mr. Vodka?

I did.

Safety Circle

I'm not keen with people invading my personal space. Please, do stretch out. Don't let my legs interfere with your comfort!

I then accidentally kicked her.

Me - 1. Dirty Linebacker - 0.

Sun

I'm this close (-) to taping a 24 Hour newspaper over the window. I bet everyone on this coach with me would stand up and cheer if I did that.

Whistle

You know those people with dry noses who whistle through a nostril or both when breathing?
You do?
Well guess who's sitting beside me?
Yep.
I'm trying hard not to poke her eyes out with my pen!
Because that would be bad.
And I don't like jail.

Throbbing

The woman next to me is reading a dirty novel. Lots of use of the words pulsing, lust, throbbing, etc., but the best has to be 'climaxed'. Who says that other than a sex ed teacher?
No one says that.

Rhymes with witch

Dear lady in green on the 5:20,

I can appreciate you had a bad day at work but guess what? It's not an exclusive club. It's not population: you. I don't care to listen to you rant and rave on your cell and I'm sure the whole coach didn't need to either!

Ouch

A woman who got on at Pickering spilled her coffee all over the jacket of a guy sitting on the stairs. Hey, you know what? You wouldn't move for her so what did you expect? What I don't understand is why you told her she had to 'fix it'. Fix what? That you're an idiot?

Like a rhinestone cowboy ...

I totally dig how this woman bedazzled her coffee traveler's mug with rhinestones.

End of the line

I just spent the last 9 minutes explaining to a woman that this crazy train does indeed go to Union. She's convinced we're traveling eastbound even though we've picked up the whitby and ajax jokers already.

Ok lady ... good book, eh? See you later...

Ogle

This lady looks like she's reading a book but really, it's just a ruse so she can stare at me typing furiously away on my web phone.
I haven't slept in over 32 hours. That could be the reason why she's staring or I'm paranoid from fatigue.

Hairy

The lady across from me seems clueless that opaque doesn't mean I can't see her hairy winter legs through her tights. I think I made it too obvious I was trying to take a photo because she's wrapped her coat around her fur.

Tools

I find it somewhat disturbing that considering it's illegal to get on a plane with so much as a toothpick that hundreds of commuters ride in an enclosed train traveling in excess of 100 kph where access to an axe, sledgehammer and saw are readily accessible to any nutjub capable of breaking plastic with a fist. What's to protect us? I don't think I would try to jump from a moving train should someone go postal one night. Or maybe I would ...

Am I the only one to think about how odd this is? How is this different from a plane? No offence to GO Transit. I understand why you want us to have access to these tools in an emergency but I find it incredible there's not been any concerns about people using these tools for the wrong reasons.

No, this wasn't a funny post. Yes, it is pretty dark but I had to ask.

Gag

Sometimes I don't know what's worse: body odor or jerks who bathe in Old Spice. The last 25 minutes have been gag-inducing.
If there was ever a more appropriate time to break out a tuna sandwich ... this ride would have been it.

Umbrella

Sometimes I want to grab those who are holding one, completely clueless to the fact that some of us are attached to our eyes, and beat them with it as we all stand on the train platform.
But I don't. Because I don't like jail.

Pepto Dismal

The man across from me is sipping a mickey of Pepto-Bismol. Occasionally, he wipes sweat from his brow.
I'm sitting here feeling both fascinated yet horrified at the same time.
That had to be one hell of a day at work.

Guest Rider Submission - Comfy

At least this dirty linebacker had the decency to remove his work boots before settling into his long ride home on Lakeshore West. Photo submitted by José.

Luggage

Not only did I deal with a smelly hot dog dude before we left Oshawa, I also had to deal with this lady and her ridiculously large pink purse.

My lap is exactly that - my lap. Not your lap. My lap.

Hot dog

Who the hell microwaves a couple of hot dogs for breakfast on the train?

The stench is ridiculous. Maybe tomorrow I'll bake up some tuna and wrap it up in week old work socks my husband sweats through at work.

I'll make sure to sit right across from you, too.

Seat nazi

I swear to God, I am not this bad:

Russian cop shoots man who refused to give up train seat

Money

There's a $5 bill on the floor near my feet. I just noticed it and I can't stop staring at it. I don't need $5, but do I pick it up? There's only me sitting in this corner of Hell on the 10:13 (or 22:13 in GO-Train time).

Okay, I'm picking it up ... (put phone down).

Someone once told me that handling money is akin to handling used medical gloves.

Who knows where this $5 has been?

(Pause)

I remember when you used to be able to withdraw $5 from bank machines.

(Later)

I donated the $5 to the Camp Fund box at Tim Horton's as I drove home from the GO station.

I wonder how dirty that Camp Fund box is with all that dirty money in it?

If I were to buy the CSI kit at Toys R Us that swears on the box I'd be just like a CSI detective, I wonder if I can white light all the money in that Camp Fund box and how long would it take before one of the coffee keepers calls the police?

(This is hilarious to me after about five Amaretto Sours and now close to 2 in the morning)

See what this crazy train does to me?

---

Originally written some time in October of 2009 well after midnight on a Friday night

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Transformer

There's a man woman who rides from Whitby to Union each morning who looks like a transformer. I don't mean she's a bus that turns into an ice cream scoop but I am 100% certain that camel toe is more of a very well contained camel hump. I'm too chicken to post a photo and also because he she seems like a really nice person and I'm not a really mean person. Just a really curious one. Does this make me evil? That I even think to question these things? It's just ... well, those hands are HUGE. Plus he's she's almost 6 foot 6. Maybe I am a bad person?

"More than meets the eye" ... I'm going straight to hell, aren't I?

---

Originally written September 11, 2009

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Vomit comet

I'm on the last train out of Union after a long day at work and a night out with a former co-worker of mine. Apparently there are a few of us who got their drink on this evening. I know my limit and it was two Amaretto Sours six hours ago. The woman across from me is with her boyfriend? husband? friend? They've got a bottle of vodka and a 2-Litre bottle of Sprite and two sport bottles. They've been slamming back drinks since we all got on at Union. I've moved as far back as possible so I can observe them and I am 100% certain the guy is gonna hurl. We've just left Ajax. I didn't even think it was possible for a white person to look that shade of green. I'm telling you ... any second now ... awww for god's sake. He took off his boot and just puked in it. What the hell? Oh good christ, he's coming this way towards the bathroom so I'm going to book it right about now ...

---

Originally written August 15, 2008

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Old GO

This popped into my mailbox after my post about the trains I like that have seats with the super-wide headrests.

At one time, commuters sat in doctor office chairs for the ride - back in 1967. And they rode uphill the whole way, too.

I'm just going to have to assume the photo is authentic and that it's not stolen from anyone making serious coin from it.

Service cat

I'm on the 7:13 out of Union sitting in a car with two roommates/friends/lovers/sisters who, according to their chatter, have adopted a cat from the Toronto Humane Society. The cat is in a carrier on the seat opposite them. The cat is mad. Probably because he wants them both to shut the hell up so he can ride in peace like the rest of us.
This cat is not meowing.
This cat is screaming.
As we reach Eglinton, a man gets on and sits on the other side of them.
I think he's allergic to cats. At Rouge Hill, he leans over and asks them if they got permission to bring the cat on the train.
An argument ensues.
Finally one of the ladies stands up and yells, "This cat is a service cat who helps me smell!"

---

Originally written November 22, 2009.

UPDATE
A note from the lady who owns 'Service Cat'.

Traveling boot

In rolled the 5:20 tonight into Union and despite all of you jokers clearly noticing the wayward boot occupying a seat on the first car of the upper level, none of you could bring yourselves to remove it and tuck it under the seat. So here's this crowded train and the only seat available has a boot on it that looks like the one the Friendly Giant wore. I contemplated being the one to remove it until this little elderly lady came up the stairs and spotted the seat with the boot. Picking it up, she examined it and then said to the people occupying the seat next to her and those opposite her, "Thanks for saving me a seat," and threw the boot under her.

You go on with your bad self.

---

Originally written January 14, 2010

Oral hygiene

Watching a guy today who took two water bottles from his bag - one empty and one full. Next out came a toothbrush and toothpaste. He used one bottle to wet his brush and proceeded to brush his teeth all the while staring out the window. He then took a swig from the first water bottle, swished, and then spit into the empty water bottle.

If he pulls out soap and a sponge, I'm getting off at Pickering.

---

Originally written June 9, 2008

Hiatus! But don't worry, there's still lots of crazy!

I'm on vacation next week but I have a whole bag of old Facebook status updates to post automatically to keep all 50 of you entertained.

Thank you for spreading the word so quickly about this site and it continues to gain riders-, I mean readership, every day.

Oshawa trash

Yes, that's what I will call this grotesque human being who rode the 5:20 out of Union tonight. If you were riding in the front car up top, you surely smelled and noticed him.

He snored. He farted. At one point no one was sitting near him as we pulled out of Pickering. He kept sighing loudly after Ajax and when we neared Oshawa, he began his rant about immigrants and "negroes" and "asians" and pointedly looked at two people on the train asking them where they were born and if they could speak English.

I stood up for you both because people like him don't have a right to spread their racist hate. Maybe you thought I was only making the situation worse but I don't back down from a bully. He had no right to talk like that and when he started on about "n-gg-rs bleeding the welfare system dry", I had enough. Plus, him telling me that a woman in his day knew her place didn't help my anger.

I'm sorry if you felt "I should have said nothing" but why does he get to speak and I don't?

Think about it.

Cold

I have the worst sinus cold ever. Everyone is pissing me off this morning. I'm sorry.

Foot

I can understand your feet must be tired after a long day at the office but holy hell, it's one thing to slip your shoes off, it's another to rest your foot on the heater and bake your stank so we all smell it.

D-

4:25

It's a baby jesus christmas miracle! Not only did I manage to leave work early to catch the 4:25, I also got a seat and ... AND ... Guess who I'm sitting beside? A coughing woman who thinks saying 'ahem' after every. single. cough. makes it less annoying.

WRONG.

Chatty Cathy

Lord help me. Why do people feel compelled to tell their life stories at 8 in the morning?

2314

This car smells like ass and doritos.
I am 100% certain something is dead or is dying in the bathroom ...

Sweet

The elderly couple who got on this morning asked me how to find their seat numbers on their ticket.
I told them they could sit anywhere they wanted.
So they're sitting next to me and surprisingly, I'm enjoying their company.

Bag rider

Got another joker here who doesn't understand her bags don't ride for free.
Packed train and she proceeds to make a big dramatic production of moving her bags after another PAYING customer politely said 'excuse me'
You're all dirty linebackers who do this.

Tone

Jesus Murphy.
Go home, find the manual for your phone and learn how to shut off your keypad so I'm not listening to what sounds like a dozen long distance calls to China when you're texting furiously.

Dude, if you were too lazy to grab your own FREE newspaper, you can't read over my shoulder. And you most certainly can't talk to me about the article we're BOTH READING it seems. Yes, I put the paper down so I could blog about you. Bugger!

Short

Oh dear.
Little Miss Cougar? That skirt is way too short because the whole train can see what you're selling.

Reliving your youth need not involve a pink thong sliced through cottage cheese.

Drink

Because you jokers drive me to drink.
My personal stash.
It comforts me on the nights after I've dealt with fellow passenger nonsense.

Linked

Thanks!

http://go-transit.blogspot.com/ picked me up!

I should do a blogroll too, it's only fitting! Stay tuned.

Favourite seats!

I hate the blue vinyl ones in the older cars. I like these because of the comfy and wide headrests.

The vinyl seats numb my butt cheeks ...

Ear

I just watched a guy take his hearing aid from his ear, put it in his mouth, suck on it, and then put it back into his ear.

Okay then.

9:13

I saw you eat your banana tonight on the 9:13 and when finished, you took the peel, wrapped it in a discarded "24 Newspaper" and wedged it between the seat and wall.

Your legs looked perfectly fine to me yet your sorry ass couldn't be transported to the garbage can. Piggies like you annoy me which is why I got up, approached you, retrieved your garbage and threw it out for you. Deliberately right in front of you.

Why? BECAUSE I HATE THE SMELL OF ROTTING BANANA PEEL and there was no way I was smelling that rank all the way to Oshawa!

You bum.

So I moved seats ...

After listening to this for 10 minutes, I got up and moved downstairs.

Now stuck because I like to sit, not stand, I got to listen to this - click here - for the next 25 minutes, all the way to Union.

Sigh. Moving seats also meant I lost sight of chapstick man.

Like ... ya ... like

*** Like, ya, this course, you know, like she's got us drawing and like, I think it's crazy.
Ya. You know?!! (Cackle) Like, there's no time at night, you know? ***


Why, why must you talk like that?

No, I don't know, so, like, shut the hell up, ok?!

Lips

There's this guy who I don't recognize but who has the air of someone heading to a job interview who has applied chap stick to his lips four times in the past minute.
I like watching him do it.
Yes, you go on and slather that on some more ...
I bet it tastes like cherry.

Swearing mom

I took the 5:53 tonight and didn't have enough juice on my phone to power a blog entry during the ride.

And then I started to watch "Your Kid Ate What?!" on TLC after dinner and zoned out in front of the TV until now. I can say I plan on burning every wire hanger in my house this weekend after what I saw.

I just want to say to this to the ladies, if you have predominant 'pepperonies', white tank tops are best left at home.

If you don't know what I mean, take a look at a certain part of your boobies in the mirror ... do you get it now?

Good. Cover em' up. It's distracting.

I can't help but stare.

Oh, and to the swearing mom who told half of the coach I was on to "F*ck off" because there weren't any seats where she and her 8 year old daughter could sit together, all you had to do was kindly ask one any of us to switch or move.

We would have gladly obliged as many of us weren't paying attention to you. Because, you know, the world doesn't revolve around you. We're not mindreaders.

Your language and outburst was uncalled for.

What example are you setting for your kid?

Guest Entry - Rosa from Whitby

Rosa wants all you jokers coughing and hacking on the train to either invest in a mask, use your sleeve or stay the hell home.

Dog

As I exited the train at Union and the people traveling to Aldershot got on, a man with a seeing guide dog struggled through the crowd.

Unbelievable and ignorant, a woman angrily shouted at him as he pressed past her (it's not like people were accommodating him) and his yellow Labrador dog brushed her coat.

'Dogs shouldn't be allowed on trains!' She hollered. I was right behind her.

I whirled around and said, 'Thank god he's blind. It saves him from having to see what the face of ignorance looks like!'

Wow, lady. Really? He heard you, you know.

I bet you made his whole morning.

Seat hog

How kind of you snoring-while-in-a-coma lady to have your big fat purse taking up a seat so this elderly lady who got on at Scarborough had nowhere to sit.

Oh, it's ok, I gave her my seat so you could keep on snoring undisturbed.

I recorded you snoring - have a listen!

Your bag can't ride on another commuter's dime!

French fries

On the 5:20 outta Union... ever noticed how McDonalds' smells disgusting when other people are eating it but when you eat it, it's bloody delicious?

30 Days Redux

Dude who can't learn Mandarin Chinese in 30 days just lapsed into a coma.

Mystery solved!

30 Days

This gentleman I see occasionally from Whitby is reading a book called "Learn Mandarin Chinese in 30 Days".

I saw him reading that same book this past summer...

Your backpack ...

Will be my own personal football if it touches my lap ONE MORE TIME.

You dirty linebacker.

Bulls

Riders who charge down the centre aisles swinging their bags and other personal luggage against people like a retarded bull in a china shop should be kicked in the shins.

It's not a football field. Holy Christ.

Yes please. Send in your beefs! Looking to hear from Ajax GO Train commuters ...

Eleanor had this to say about Ajax 'people' and the mad sprinting y'all do from the train to the parking lot. The goal is to be first out of the lot, everyone else be damned!

Women are shoved aside, frail elderly men are tossed like bowling pins as y'all barrel down the stairs. Mothers cry, 'You go on without me!' as children are swept up by the crowd.

During storms, there's little time to clean off cars and drivers rely on 19-inch round holes in windshields to navigate the lot. Pedestrians be damned! You may be dead but at least I made it home by 5:30!!!

Is Ajax really that bad?

Bed

It seems I'm a pillow for the jerk next to me.
Why do men of great girth ALWAYS sit next to me?
It wouldn't be so bad if they splashed on a little bit of Old Spice. This guy smells like week-old bacon.

Open House

The lady two rows over from me is telling her friend about the open house she had this past Sunday. Apparently stocking your kitchen with hundreds of bottles of wine gives potential home buyers the impression you have expensive tastes... Or you're an alcoholic.