Here Kitty, Kitty

Submitted by Daniel

I ride the GO bus to Yorkdale each day. You know it's gonna be bad when a woman gets on with a sickly looking cat tied to a shoelace. She explained to the driver that Beets was ill and she didn't have a carrier and he had already clawed through a box so she hoped he (the driver) would let her on so she could get him to the vet at Lawrence and Bathurst. He (the driver) thought about it for some time. This lady could have been my grandma. So he let her on and she sat in the seat in front of me. We started to move and Beets pretty much stapled himself to the woman. She was in a lot of pain. I had my Goodlife duffel bag with me and with some help at the next stop we got the cat in it and got it zipped up. By the time we got to Yorkdale the cat had clawed his way out of my $40 gym bag. The woman carried her cougar off the bus and made her way to the subway. She didn't even offer to pay for the damage!

OMG

Lady across from me? Nice girl. Thing is, she's been yappin' on her celly exclaiming, 'OMG!' after almost every sentence.
Have we gotten so lazy that we now must resort to using acronyms in our daily speech?

Take it away Steve!

Hi,
I snapped this pic tonight of two men who were casually playing a game of foot lovin'. It's nice to see that in light of all this stress with the G20, true love can still prevail!

---

Amen, Steve, Amen!

Even if there was no dance of the toe jam going on here and it was just a case of one guy too tall to keep his legs tucked in, it's still a compelling love story.

Serenity now, I don't need to know where you sweat

I have just spent the last 21 minutes - no lie - listening to a group of women laugh and joke about how sweaty their lady bits are, even going so far to offer remedies for boob sweat and unbelievably, crotch sweat. Then they moved onto butt sweat and other kinds of sweat subjected by men. They were incredibly graphic and in hysterics at times. Some people who had no choice but to listen were laughing and others looked downright disgusted.

Hey, I enjoy a good laugh now and then but this kind of talk is best suited for the bar, not the train ride home. Or perhaps next time just tone it down a notch.

Menacing man

So I rode the train this morning with this security guard sitting across from me staring at my orange bag/satchel/purse.

In it was my breakfast which is always a Quaker Granola bar. I like the ones that are covered with a strip of yogurt but they've got these new ones now that have Omega-3 in them but I haven't seen any on sale so I haven't had a chance to try them <- Did you like that? That's my impression of train people who have to tell people their life story about everything they do.

I wasn't sure how to go about opening my bag seeing as this dude was staring hard at it like he was trying to X-Ray it. I also had my phone in there which I was itching to use so I could blog about this bloke.

Finally I broke the ice by asking him if it was okay if I opened my bag or did he want to search it first?
He blinked at me and said I could go ahead.

I don't know what to make of any of this. He was from a security firm. He didn't have a GO logo on his uniform but all I could think about was the 18 year girl who was arrested Sunday on the train coming in from Whitby because she had a gas mask in her bag.

I really didn't want to be taken down over a granola bar.

Armaggedon

by Celia

It must be. It has to be near. There were only 40 people on my coach today. We came in from Stouffville.

Union Station was eerily empty.

Baggage

Tom writes: Here's the poster that tells passengers to keep their crap off the seats and out of the aisles. And to the guy on the Barrie line who complained in a comment there's no rule for how much crap people can bring on the train, the Tariffs (aka rules for the slower people like him) are online. I suggest you learn to read.

Locked

Donna writes: I don't trust anymore what's been told to us over the announcements in regards to G20 security. Why would anyone ride a train to Oshawa when the summit is in Toronto?? Every accessible bathroom on the Thursday 7:17pm train to Oshawa was locked. I wish the photo was clearer but you can see the no entry logo.

What dividing armrest? I'm sleepin' hardcore.

I thought this was overly and utterly ridiculous. Hope you post it.

- Marie in Whitby

How much for that severed head in the window?

Submitted by Aaron O., Oshawa GO Parking Lot

Just gratin' some cheese

Submitted by M.H.

Hey CJ, yesterday morning I watched a woman get on at Oshawa and while we waited for the train to leave she took the opportunity before it got busy to pull out a pumice stone and began filing down the callouses on the heels of her feet. Skin was flying everywhere and all I could think of was Parmesan cheese.

Spot the foot rider

Submitted by Justin

This was a packed train. The 5:20 from Friday going east. I don't blame the people standing not asking her to move her feet so they could sit. I passed by her when I first boarded, her feet were filthy. I don't know why people do this. It's rude. Would you do this in the livingroom of a house you're visiting? Would you just stick your dirty birkenstocks and feet on someone's couch? I wanted to slap her feet off the seat.

Pandelerium

Due to a protest by pink people demanding access to pay toilets at the corner of Queen & Yonge in advance of the summit, my office tower was evacuated at 4pm. I'm on the 4:25 listening to a gaggle of summer law interns discussing what they would do should they 'get shot' this week during a protest. I guess the fact they were let off early in advance of a protest was lost on them. Never mind the army of police on hand ...

Foot rot

The lady beside me keeps slipping her bare feet in and out of her loafers. Each time she does she assaults me with a smell - stale sweat? - that can only be described as how a car would smell if it sat all day in the sun with an open bag of corn chips baking on the dash.
The lady across from her has been busily fashioning a mask out of a Metro newspaper.

Bathroom killer

I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride tonight listening to a conversation between two guys explaining how they hide out in the washroom at their respective work places to kill time, sometimes for more than an hour. One reads and the other plays games on his Blackberry.

So I thought, I guess that's one way to kill an hour but then eventually your co-workers will notice and that's why when your birthday rolls around, you shouldn't be surprised when you open your gift and it's a book called "Keeping Control: Understanding and Overcoming Fecal Incontinence".

I wonder how a book signing goes on a topic like this? If I were the author, I'd have a keg of Purell on hand.

Announcements

For those of you with rice paper bladders, washrooms will be unlocked on the accessibility coaches of all trains or so says the customer service ambassador riding my 5:20 train tonight.
Since most of my readers are people who work for GO, I have to give props to the ambassadors and how they're becoming more and more creative with the 7-minute long G-20 announcements.

But I'd still like to see some jazz hands!

Banana Bread, yes please!

Submitted by Carry L.

On the Milton train Friday morning, I had told my husband in my cell call to him while waiting for the train to board I hadn't slept well and also skipped breaksfast and left my bank card in my other purse. All I had on me was a library card and a 10-ride ticket. When I was finished the woman opposite of me pulled out a slice of banana bread she had bought earlier for herself and offered it to me saying she would get something later at work. She was concerned about me going hungry all day. I accepted and I regret not asking her name as I don't use the train often as I'm part of a carpool but the driver is on holidays.

So to the lady in the yellow blouse, thank you!

At the bottom of the ocean

I just spent the whole ride, on an express train that became ALL STOPS, next to a guy who told what seemed like hundreds of bad lawyer jokes to the poor suffering couple sitting across from him.
I suppose this was better than listening to the 'guess who's gay on this train?' game the two girls standing near me were playing.

What? No potty?

THIS POST HAS BEEN UPDATED
Despite what you've heard in an announcement on your train, check the GO Transit website for washroom information. Readers have written in stating different instructions are being given out. - CJ

Did you know that next week, starting Monday, because of some event which is costing a gazillion dollars involving jokers from around the world who will be attending a baseball game at the Rogers Centre has GO Transit locking the bathrooms on all of their trains as a security measure? (This information may be false, see note above and comments below.)

Will they be locking up the saws, sledgehammers, shovels, pick axes and hammers conveniently stored throughout the coaches fully accessible by anyone? So some wannabe terrorist cum protester can't hide a stick of C4 in the loo but they're welcome to help themselves to a pick axe?

Not only do we have to bring "snacks and water" next week, but we also have to invest in adult diapers. Is anyone NOT thinking this through? How can anyone expect thousands of people to be stranded on trains with no access to washroom facilities?

At least I know how I'll gain access to the bathroom if I need it. I'll just use the sledgehammer.

Le Bag Rider

This woman (riding in the window seat) rode all the way to Ajax with her crap on the seat opposite her while the woman beside her held her purse in her lap.

As people boarded and a man asked to sit, she sighed audibly as she shuffled her stuff under her seat.

Hey, here's an idea?! How about you do that before you sit down? Like right when you first get on the train. You should try that, this way others don't inconvenience you.

Gum blow

The girl across from me in the other aisle seat just sneezed and blew her gum out of her mouth. It hit the 'Last Call For Alcohol' ad.

Gerbil doc

It appears the gerbils who run things (literally) at Google have died because my poll at the bottom of my blog has ceased operation.

I'll give it a couple of days for their IT people to restock from the local pet store before I delete it. I was really looking forward to the final tally.

People who park like a$$holes

You can't even see the yellow guide line on the asphalt, that's how asshole-ish this parking job by the owner of the red car was.

I'm not built like Barbie so I had to climb into the driver's seat from the passenger side of my Ford Flex. In the pouring, f*cking, wind-driving rain after a soaking, soddy walk to the end of the GO lot. And people wonder why their cars get keyed.

Woman, you crazy. And stupid

Outside Ajax, this woman pulls out her cell and begins a conversation about her citizenship application. On a packed Go train and within earshot of strangers, she provides her SIN, name, DOB, mother's maiden name and address and then proceeds to entertain us all with why she needs to provide proof of citizenship... for a shopping trip to the Coach store in Buffallo.

Identity Theft. You has it.

36

I bet you're wondering why there isn't a lick of a train story today or why there won't be.
It's just easy if I post my last few Facebook status updates. Enjoy.

Cindy Smith
is giving 36 the finger

Cindy Smith
36. Yep.

Winnie Forsberger

Congratulations on being on the other side of 40? Enjoy your day! Spend it with (your daughter).

Cindy Smith

Coincidentally, that may be the plan as she's up with me complaining of a sore tummy. I had plans to be at the spa but my baby comes first.

Cindy Smith

Don't you sleep? Oh wait ... ... aw crap. XXX just upchucked all over the office rug.

Cindy Smith
it's hard to clean up puke when you're drunk and it's not even yours, see comments in last status update.

Cindy Smith
Would people find it odd if I drag my 5 year old with me to Shoppers Drug Mart at 2am for Ginger Ale? Oh sh*t ... wait. Okay, if I call a cab and take her with me? Does she need it? Oh lordy, please don't let her puke again! Bloody **** and his 'I'mma in a coma sleeps'!!!

Cindy Smith
All right. I'm lying down with this kid. I'm tired. Of all nights when I have a vodka bender I get this. Can I tie a feedbag to her head? Will it work? Can I make one with a tube sock?

Oh wait, you're confused. I see.

Well, I booked today off as a vacation day for my 36th birthday with plans for a spa day. I also decided a buffet of cocktails was in order after Sunday night's dinner. Then, at 11:45pm, my 5 year old wandered into the office here at home complaining of an upset tummy. So, we sat together looking at stuff on the Sesame Street website on one monitor while I farted around on Facebook on the other ... I think what happened next is self-explanatory. I also think it's pretty obvious how I'm spending my birthday.

Sun

Just switched seats with the girl next to me who wanted the window seat so she can 'work on her tan'.

MA-MAH!

It was a train of audio horrors for me this morning.

There's these two women who get on at Whitby who jump around like Arethra Franklin on donuts, so you never know which car they'll wind up in. These two never SHUT UP.

This morning the topic at hand was a $45 bank charge for an RRSP withdrawal or some crap. Usually when I see them coming, I flee, but I was with my train friend Charlotte and I couldn't just leave in mid-conversation.

You know these two ladies have a reputation when you hear the collective sighs and groans from others once they settle their loudmouths into seats.

And if these two ladies happen to stumble onto this website one day and can recall the time there was this 30-minute discussion about f*cking slow cookers and dinner, it was me who asked you both to lower your voices that day.

Then, somewhere outside of Pickering, this woman breaks out her cellphone and begins a conversation in Vietnamese at VOLUME 20 hollering at her mother. She kept screaming "Ma-mah! Ma-mah!" every other sentence.

My ability to understand Vietnamese is limited to what I learned from watching the movie Platoon over one hundred times but I'm positive that's what language everyone in my coach was getting a lesson in. She also hollered, "Cam ming lie!" a few times which I am sure is "Shut up".

Ohhh, now I get it.

Dirty Turnips!

Contributed by Jay C.

Today as my train rolled into Union these 2 construction types get off. Attached is what they left behind. Dirt, grime and dried mud. It's like snails and the trail of slime they make as they crawl along. At least put down some newspaper and sit on that!!!

(click photo to enlarge)

C.J. says: This reminds me of the time a woman's Aunt Flo joined her for her commute. Only the ladies will understand.

Overheard

There's three blonde university types sitting on the stairs lamenting over how they didn't score seats.
'I know, right?' says one while her friend says, while slathering lip balm all over her mouth complete with baby voice, 'I was so looking forward to sleepin so I could dream about eating'.

You not in line!

Just got screamed at by a man as I blended in with the throng boarding the 5:10 at Union.


What line?

For RonNasty

Why is Michael J. Fox (as Marty McFly) riding the GO Train? Story here.

No tone please

The lady beside me was writing the longest text message in history with the keypad tone on her phone set to LOUD.

She was also texting incredibly slowly. It sounded like my grandma making a long distance call to the Ukraine, then screwing up on a digit and starting over.

Eventually I told her she could turn the tone sound off to which she replied, "Oh I like it, because it reminds me I'm typing, like on a keyboard. Silent typing is just weird."

I hope no one ever buys her tickets to a deaf choir. It appears much is lost on this woman.

Observed

A dude, who just got on at Ajax, is wearing a lifejacket, long sleeved shirt and shorts. We're heading east to Oshawa. I don't know where he's heading.

Random

1. Why do people bring rank food like warmed up mystery meat and onions on board?
2. Why, when the train is late, is there always one person who has to bitch aloud the whole ride? Get a blog. It worked for me.
3. Why do people insist on putting their bags on seats when people are boarding? No one should be asking you to move it. It's a given, jerk. And don't roll your eyes when I ask.

It's one thing to smell it, but to taste it ...

I just breathed in the bad body odor of the dude next to me.

With my mouth.

I tried ...

... To get a picture of the guy who tied his 10-speed to a pole on the first car on the 7:53 from Oshawa with a dirty sweat sock, complete with red stripe.

But there was no way to do it without being so obvious.

When he got off at Union and rode away, his assless jeans were forever burned into my brain.

The Gate Keeper

Submitted by Adam D.

This morning as I was heading to the Milton Go Train, I had to go and punch my ticket. Well, my usual green punch card machine was being guarded by a rude little man who thought it would be better to stand in the way of people with his bag, reading the paper.

This is probably one of the most popular ticket punch machines and even despite my glaring and pushing his bag out of the way, he still stood there reading... the kicker is that he had a wide open platform to stand anywhere he wanted to. Heck, the train had not even arrived yet... but nooooo Mr. Rudeness just didn't care... Way to go Sport-O, way to go!

---

C.J. says: According to my spies and incredibly reliable sources, it appears "Sport-O" here makes it a habit of being in other people's way. Evidence shown below.

Rudeness in action

I took the 5:53 today. The train was packed.

There were 2 women with rolling suitcases on board. One had her suitcase down on the floor in front of her legs and the other, shown with a black square on her head, had her suitcase on the seat next to her.

In the second photo, below, you will notice all the space under her seat and in the aisle where she could put her suitcase.

Why? So she could give this lady, who sat on the WET STEPS a seat.

I offered her mine but she pointedly looked at these two women when she said, "Oh, thank you but I'm okay to sit on the floor".

It amazes people are so rude. And clueless. People should be forced to pay extra fare for excess baggage at peak times.

Poll Results - April/May

So to answer the question of my April/May poll:

True or False: GO Transit monthly pass holders have an annual household income of $100K and higher

True	22 (48%)
False	23 (51%)

Votes: 45

GO Transit customers are a wealthy lot with a median household income of over $100K.

My husband and I fit the criteria but we sure don't feel wealthy. Do you?

Email

I should probably make it a habit to read my crazy train email account more than two times a week.

To answer some commonly asked questions, no, I am not "breaking the law" by having such a blog. Where do you think I live? Turkey? No offense to those who live in Turkey... not that you could read this anyway.

My crazy train logo, from what my lawyer friends tell me, doesn't infringe on any copyright. It may make a person look twice but that's because of the colour and I'm pretty sure GO Transit doesn't "own that green". I'm not even using the same green. If they've trademarked the colour, which I doubt as Coke, AT&T and IBM are the only companies I can think of who have trademarked their corporate colours, then I suppose I better shut this whole operation down.

Um, no.

But really, how does one enforce colour copyright? Can I trademark a rainbow? I've always been fond of blue.

As far as I know, people who work at GO Transit make up more of my readership than actual riders.

And no, I don't work there. I'm not telling you where I work.

Spike belt

Anyone know where I can pick one up on the cheap?

This will teach those dirty turnips who nearly run people over in GO Transit parking lots in the morning as they race (literally) to park so they can catch their train.

Is it possible to buy one I can shoot out of a wrist strap like Spiderman? I'd be a hero. No, seriously, I would.

There's also no excuse for this same behaviour in the evenings.

Speeding in parking lots is akin to speeding towards a red light, so slow down and be patient. You walked to your car just like I did, right?

Everyone else wants to get home just as much as you do and preferably in one piece!