Thirty minutes!?

There's a dude standing next to me who just told the lady beside him that if she doesn't run to her car once these doors open at Oshawa, it will take her 30 minutes to drive her car out of the lot.
Since when? I'm out in less than 10.

Garbage nazi

This morning, I went to throw out my coffee cup into one of those square garbage receptables on the wall near the doors when this woman told me not to throw my cup in there because, "it's not meant for that".

Sorry, not meant for what? Garbage? Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want me to refrain from using it until I have a dirty baby diaper? Shall I toss my coffee cup on the floor?

Some people really need to get bent.

Dialing up crazy on the celly

Submitted by Donna O.

I just wanted to share my brief story about a young hoodlum on the train a few weeks ago. I just happened to be riding the train with a co-worker on the way back from work. My coworker and I were chatting when a young man, perhaps in his early twenties, dialed a number on his cell phone and began speaking to someone. Of course he was talking so loudly everyone around him couldn’t help but overhear his conversation which sounded something like this. “Yeah I got a blind date on Saturday. It’s with some f***ing big t**ty broad."

My coworker and I immediately look at each other. He goes on and starts arguing, “Listen you **** I’m trying to treat you with respect, you could have been part of my life you stupid ho. By the way don’t ever threaten me because I’ll kill your whole family.”

The conversation literally took place over the period of ten minutes. Meanwhile, everyone is just looking at each other. I see a woman with her son covering his ears. I was so embarrassed, it was one of those moments where you wish you had stood up for everyone on the train. I guess it’s not like the old days where an old lady would straight up smack you in the face and say something like, “that’s for your mama.”

I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only person that thought this person was just about the most ignorant person we have ever encountered. He was a typical poster child for prison. I really couldn’t help but thinking afterward that this guy was probably not even talking to anyone and was just literally “screaming for attention.”

I don’t really think anyone would threaten someone over the phone that loudly on a busy train.

A spit and a shine

Submitted by Frank L.

Monday night, I was coming home on the 8:13 p.m. milk run. I had succumbed to the gentle rocking of the train from Union to Whitby. So, having fallen asleep, I awoke as the train rambled on to Oshawa to a man who had taken the liberty to shine my shoes.

He strongly suggested the shine was free, but the tip was on me. In my daze, I mumbled something like, "No thanks." To which he began to become slightly taken aback. I stood up and threw him a loonie and hustled off the train when we pulled into Oshawa.

I'm still not sure what he used on my shoes. I'm scared to even guess.

Bible thump

Turns out, there's no polite way to tell a complete stranger you're not interested in 'being saved' at 8:30 in the morning.

Spontaneous Combustion

This turkey purposely put her feet up on the seat in front of her to prevent people boarding at Ajax from sitting there this morning.

You know, if there was a way putting feet on seats would trigger a foot fire, I guarantee you this filthy and rude practice would go the way of the DoDo bird.

Hundred dollah bill, y'all

Mike has a burning question for us all.

On the weekend, Mike noticed a 100 dollar bill lying on the track at Pickering. He jumped down onto the track to fetch it and wound up being ratted on by another passenger waiting on the platform. Mike won't be facing any prosecution but he was told to surrender the money to lost and found.

He wants to know what y'all think happened to the dough.

I want to know why Mike didn't just go down to the station desk and ask the CSRs if they could get the $100 bill he dropped. Problem solved. Right Mike?

As for the money, it probably did find its way to lost and found but I'm pretty sure there's a law on the books about found money and after a waiting period, it can be claimed as yours.

And as I lay down my ranky feet ... I hope I don't spill my ice cream treat

Shot on the 4:47 West to Burlington and submitted by Amanda who writes,

"This was on the standing room only/sitting on the stairs 447 train towards Burlington. Disgusting! The seats around her were empty because people looked at her bare feet on the chair and shoes on the floor and kept looking for another seat."

Apparently this lady rocked back and forth nearly spilling ice cream on the man in green. An awkward food choice at rush hour, no?

You've got it wrong

Riding this damn train everyday at $272 a month is not a 'privilege' because it's 'clean, accessible transportation' while others walk 'miles across desert' to work.

Where do you read on your ticket 'NO CHARGE'? This crazy ain't free.

I'm privileged to be able to afford the cost of clean and accessible transportation, not because I don't live in the desert, but because I have a job.

And because I do pay, I'll blog about the crazy.

If you don't like it, move on. Mmm'k?

Motor mouth

The girl next to me has not shut up once during the entire 40-minute train ride so far from Union.

I've been subjected to listening to a conversation with a valley girl dialect punctuated with 'anyways', 'like', 'basically' and 'ohmigod'.

Coincidentally, she has spent the last 20 minutes or so complaining about a girl in her office who doesn't shut up.

Pregnant

Yes.

You give up your seat.

The end.

*This same rule applies to those who are elderly and disabled. If you have two perfectly good legs, you stand.

Friday

I had the day off and was all set for a three-day long weekend but had a funeral instead so I got a break from the crazy for a day.

Apparently I missed major drama on the 4:53 after a passenger tripped another passenger on the stairs resulting in a broken wrist according to an email.

That's a bummer. If you were on that coach, write me.

Rolling Luggage

When it's busy in the morning on those very narrow platforms at Union, please consider carrying your rolling suitcase.

Why?

I did not enjoy having a person cut in front of me and not seeing his rolling suitcase, I tripped, stumbled and eventually fell landing on my side and almost rolling off the platform. One side of me is covered in grime (at least I had the sense to wear brown today) and my arm is skinned from the elbow to the upper arm.

It hurt like a son-of-a-b*tch.

Worse is that the dude told me I should watch where I'm going. Two complete strangers helped me up. The man who tripped me continued on with his day.

I just can't believe what we've become as a society.

Dirty beast

Hey, didn’t I see you on the GO bus yesterday?

You catch the train at Ajax, just like I do.

Of course, you pushed past me at the door to the station, stepped out of line to grab a free newspaper, then cut back in front, forced your way onto the train before anyone else could get on, parked yourself and your rolling suitcase in the doorway, blocking it and then huffed at the people crowding on past you and gave me a dirty look as I reached around you to grab hold of the bar.

You're a dirty beast.

I feel better now.

Submitted by Pam K. of Ajax

Along for the ride

Excuse me. Is that seat taken? Oh, really. Well, did your purse purchase a ticket?

I asked this of a woman yesterday, writes Mel. D. from Mississauga, and she asked me if I bought an extra ticket for my "fat ass". Then she put her feet on the seat under her big purse and asked me what I was going to do about it.

Why are people so damn rude?

Air conditioning

Dear GO People,
Yes please.

Crank it. Swear to God. Those who are cold can pack a sweater. I can't take off my skin.

Bag rider! Damn you

Snapped on the 5:20

When I see a bag rider, I think of "Mr. Cab Driver" by Lenny Kravitz. Substitute the chorus with "Mrs. Bag Rider" instead of "Mr. Cab Driver". I guarantee you'll have this stuck in your head.

Have a listen.

Seriously, some of you are gross

The woman next to me is generating bags of sweat. She's wearing a knitted cardigan and fanning herself furiously with a newspaper. Every second or so, she keeps wiping her neck sweat against the headrest and then wriggles down a bit and dries it with her head.

Really.

It all makes sense now!

I'm not a Blackberry user. In fact, I've never used one so I'm not entirely clear how they function.

Recently, I learned you can assign a distinct ring tone to a person in a contact list.

There's a dude that rides the 7:53am from Oshawa whose Blackberry will often go off and he's got a few ring tones. I just thought he liked variety, so it just dawned on me he's customized his contact list.

One ring tone used to confuse me because it sounded like "na-na-na-na" but when I heard it again this morning, I realized it's "nag-nag-nag-nag" because when he answered the call he said, "Hey, honey."

Must be for the wife.

Arm

Please refrain from having your elbow poke my breast.

LEARN WHAT A SAFETY CIRCLE IS!

Jerk.

Commando

Judy M. writes, "This woman sitting in front of me must have forgotten she passed on panties this morning because she lifted her skirt up to fan herself and showed me the full Monty.

I can no longer see. I had my dog write this email."

Bag Beatdown

Submitted by Patricia K.

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who can't put their bags down at their feet while they stand in the aisles. Instead they push their bags, backpacks and portfolio luggage into the faces and heads of those sitting. It's just common courtesy.

People who wear backpacks also need to realize that most of these backpacks are so full of stuff it's like another person standing behind them. Take it off. Thank you.

Real Estate Fail

No, this isn't a post about psychotic dress patterns designed to make you take up the smoke. This is a post about real estate. Seat real estate.

Angela W. writes: Standing room only Lake Shore West 17:13 train.

This cretin gets on early and immediately cramps the courtesy seats. Both of them.

Not content to merely bag ride the 2nd seat, she's positioned herself for maximum sprawl. Numerous folks gave her the hairy eyeball but nobody had the brass pair to ask her to move herself and her belongings onto 1 seat.

I think it's because many were afraid her skirt would swallow them. And those waves are mesmerizing! About as mesmerizing as those animated gifs of girls dancing, like this one:
Oh yeah, you work it honey.

Please don't sing

It's awesome you enjoy your music but that doesn't mean I like your music. It doesn't mean the woman sitting next to you likes your music either. And if you plan on opening your mouth to serenade us all, unless you have a recording contract you can show me, shut it.

Nose flute

The fact that you can whistle through your nose is not a gift.
Please consider purchasing this product the next time you're in a Wal-Mart:

Tall tales

I'm listening to this woman relay a story about a camping trip in Algonquin Park friends of hers went on two weekends ago.

It involved three cop friends and an axe-wielding mental patient who terrorized their camp site.

Apparently none of these police officers had firearms so one of them chased after the suspect with a canoe paddle.

The suspect ran to the beach and escaped by using a canoe moored nearby.

Two of her friends then jumped into another canoe and a high speed canoe chase ensued.

The story was funny even if it was b.s.

Food poisonings, I has it

Stayed home. Hope to feel alive tomorrow.

Open windows. Oshawa Go Parking Lot

Was there some kind of world record for how many drivers would leave their windows down in a torrential rainstorm at the Oshawa Go parking lot this morning?

Five cars, all with windows down, in pouring rain and not an owner in site. I've never seen that before.

Fill me in. None of these cars had leather interiors.

Keep your rank, sweaty feet off the seats!

I know Toronto's heat wave is bad. But it could be worse. It could be Tokyo. At rush hour

No? Not crazy enough? How about Yokohama, Japan?

Hairy eyeball

by Mike L.

On the way into Union this morning, I had the pleasure of riding in a quad with two snot-nosed kids and their space cadet mother.

These kids spit their gum out at each other, picked their noses and then wiped whatever gold they dug out onto each other's seats and slapped each other with their sandals.

This went on for well over 20 minutes before I let out a huge sigh and fixed them both with an icy death stare.

Then suddenly, with little warning, the older of the two boys jumped up to stand on his seat and screamed at me.

"Stop giving us the hairy eyeball!" He yelled.

He then spent the rest of the ride complaining to his mother how I kept giving him and his brother the hairy eyeball. Eventually, as we were just passing through Danforth, I got up and went to stand downstairs.

Who are you parents? And who the hell says "hairy eyeball" these days?

Bag riding on Lakeshore West

Submitted by Helen I.

At least the briefcase was fashion conscious enough to wear a jacket for the trip. Heaven forbid it find the air conditioning too cold.

Bag rider - Owned on the 4:53

4:44 - Backpack placed on seat.

4:47 - Several people pass by, some annoying glances are given, but no one asks for the bag to be moved.

4:49 - Lady in gray pants picks the backpack up off the seat and asks the two ladies whose it is. She pointedly asks, "Does this backpack belong to one of you?"
Lady on the aisle seat says it's hers and Lady in gray pants asks, "Are you saving this seat for someone because these trains are first come first serve". And she puts the backpack down on the floor.

And she didn't even sit in the seat! Just beside it!

It was solid gold. I love her.

GO Transit introduces its new brake technology

Chuck Norris will now ride the train each day to ensure it stops safely. Because only Chuck Norris can stop a speeding train with his bare feet and one hand.

What's a Chuck Norris fact? You mean, you don't know?!

Sleepin' Hardcore

James writes, "Took this tonight on the Barrie train. She was snoring away like she'd paid for the whole night. "

Write on!

You fail! This woman was practically using my lap and bag as her personal desk. When I moved my bag to get out my book and accidentally knocked her papers, she asked me if I minded?

You bet your a$$ I mind. I mind so much I took a photo. Stay in your own damn space.

Get bent

Those of you who complain about how cold the air conditioning is on the train should walk home.

Girth

Hey, you ... big guy near the window.

I know these seats don't accommodate girth very well but if you're going to pretend like you're at home in your living room, do everyone a favor and sit in an aisle seat sideways. You're not in a La-Z-Boy.

So sit up, pull in your tree trunk calves and give the people across from you some leg room. Most passengers aren't built like Gumby.

I personally have not been able to fold my legs into myself since I was 10 months old and spent my days sucking on my heels.

Can't you tell from the people who run in the opposite direction?

Lord have mercy.

The entire first floor of this coach has pretty much vacated because the lone guy sitting in the window seat must have gone 10 rounds with a gorilla in a cage match somewhere where there is no soap or running water because he stinks to high heaven. It's a cloud of b.o. and stale cigarettes.

My nose was assaulted the minute I stepped on the train. I don't think I'll ever recover.

Smelly bum

Submitted by Ramona C.

I was on the accessibility coach with this mother and her two small children on Monday (June 26). One of the kids was stuck crammed between several people and also at bum level. He obviously noticed because he kept telling his mother that the butt of the woman in the green pants standing in front of him was smelly.

What? Canada Day rage

Er, so a few people sent emails to me (cj@thiscrazytrain.com) upset that there wasn't a post yesterday (from me instead of a submission) and one person expressed surprise over the fact that I didn't, at the very least, write a "Happy Canada Day" post.

So, Happy Not Canada Day everybody!

Getting up earlier could help

Kelly writes: To the lady who sometimes sits next to me on the Lakeshore East line, who spends 10 minutes putting on make up. Then stops to read. And then decides to finish putting on eyeliner once the train arrives at Union Station while people are trying to get off. People like me, who are trapped in the inner seat (of a two-seater) waiting for you to move. You might have heard me mutter a few choice words as I crawled over you. I'm kind of sorry for being crusty, but come on!

Use your brain.