It's time to retire

I'm so out of my element at the moment. I'm at my parents' house dogsitting/housesitting/babysitting catching up on emails lovingly pounded out to cj@thiscrazytrain.com, and when I say pounded out, I mean email like this:

FIRST OF ALL WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE HOW PEOPLE ACT ON A TRAIN? I HAVE A NASAL CONDITION AND I WOULD BE MORTIFIED IF I CAM E TO YOUR SITE AND SA W THAT SOMEONE WROTE ABOUT ME. IT SOUNDS LIKE I AM SNORING WHEN I'M JUST SITTING THERE BEING QUIET. ONE TIME THIS LADY ASKED ME HOW I WAS ABLE TO SLEEP WITH MY EYES OPEN. I THOUGHT THAT WAS RUDE AS HELL. I'M 64 YEARS OLD AND CAN'T WAIT TO RETIRE. GOD BLESS.

See?

SEE?!

How can you not laugh at that?

What the hell does that mean? "I'm 64 years old and can't wait to retire". What does that have to do with what I do with this website? Does this mean I have driven this person to no longer have any desire to work?

I spent an hour trying to decode the secret message hidden in that email. And the obscure sign off of "God bless"? I re-arranged the letters and the only word I could come up with was "glossed". So there has to be a co-relation between sleeping with her eyes open and glossed. No?

Friggen crazy, right?

As I was looking for my parents' dog's leash earlier, I came across my mother's secret stash of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. This from a woman who likes to tell people she hates peanut butter.

When she phoned me to ask if I could come house-sit and take care of my disabled sister in their absence, my mother told me she'd leave money for food on the counter in case I need anything for the next two days until they return from Ottawa.

Did I mention my mother is Eastern European (Ukrainian)? Ah! See. Some of you know damn well there is no way I could go hungry in this house. And it made me laugh out loud when I saw the money right where she said it would be, despite my protests that it wasn't necessary.

My mother has two freezers full of food and one whole wall in the basement that is two long cupboards crammed with non-perishable foods. In fact, there could be all-out Armageddon and my father, sister and mother could eat for two years, comfortably, before starvation would kick in.

I need my mother to come live with me. It's a whole different ballgame at my house.

Where was I going with this? Nowhere. I just wanted to see if you would keep reading.