How to enjoy a train ride. You're doing it wrong

Lionel sent me a link to a Wikihow.com article entitled “How To Ride a Public Transportation Bus”. It contains 14 (FOURTEEN!) steps on how to ride a bus. FOURTEEN!

Also included in the article are four tips and three warnings. Yep, it’s a mighty stressful and dangerous world out there for the average bus rider.

While on Wikihow, I keyed in how to to ride a train into the search field and back came this gem, How to Enjoy a Train Ride.

The article is filled with several gems, particularly:

1. Bring a book or a magazine. Don't read if you get motion sick easily, though, because reading just might make you blow.

Blow what? Chunks? Balloons? Your neighbour?

2. Play hand games. Cards are always great to play, and so are guessing games. Try playing Chopsticks or rock, paper, scissors.

Really? Rock, paper, scissors? That’s one way to look mentally unstable, especially if no one sitting in your quad on the GO train wants to play with you so you resort to playing hand games with yourself.

It’s get better once you read down to the tips.

Don't sleep when you're going to arrive at your destination in less than an hour.

However, the writer of this nutty piece of how-to advice doesn’t explain why sleeping is out of the question. Since most of the GO express trips are under an hour, this means 80% of the people I ride with in the morning have no idea “how to enjoy a train ride”. This means you, Jill. You’re just ruining the whole experience for yourself, aren’t you?

Hilarity ensued once I got down to the Warnings. The last one reads, “If you get bored with trains easily, don't take them”.

That’s right my sweet fellow rutabagas, if riding the Crazy Train makes you miserable, you’re welcome to walk. Or drive. Speaking of driving, Wikihow also provides a (cough) great (cough) how-to piece on How to Drive a Car. So the next time someone cuts you off, instead of hollering about where that person got his licence, now you can holler, “Where’d you learn to drive a-hole? The Internet?" Scary.

But the best, swear to God, was this line: Things can get lost easily. Know that once it's gone, it just might be distributed among the train staff (so be sure not to leave anything important, like your kid).

What?!

So when a train's out of service, parents can expect their children to be abducted?

Hey Joe?

Yeah?

I found this kid under the seat. You want him?

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Like this? Make sure you read the continuation of this post.

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