Looking for love? Not on this train, thanks

Last night I received the following text message (to 9054427423) from a guy (I assume) who wouldn't buy me a car, or a diamond ring, but he did offer to drive me to work. I've nicknamed him "Carpool" or CP for short. My replies are in green.

CP: So new phone hun?

Sorry

CP: New phone! You like it?

My blackberry rocks the universe. Thanks for asking *honey*

CP: Have u uploaded any movies on it?

Nope. I don't think I'll be watching movies on it

CP: What kind of movies do u like?

What is this? A speed date?

CP: LOL. no. are you cute? when will u show me what u look like?

Whoah, dude, at least buy me dinner first. Or a diamond. Actually, I really like the new GMC Acadia. Can you hook me up?

CP: LOL

(pause)

CP: So when can i see a pic?

Don't change the subject. Can you get me the GMC Acadia or what?

CP: I don't buy cars. ha ha ... I have to get to know you first

That's a shame. My lease on my Equinox is up in December

CP: I can drive you to work

Really? That's very kind. So you're a cab driver for a living?

CP: LOL no... Just a nice guy.

Well my husband's a nice guy and I don't see him sending random text messages to women he hardly knows offering to carpool...

CP: How do you know that for sure?

Because I'm steak and my husband doesn't like hamburger.

CP: LOL you're cute and funny. He's a lucky guy!

Holy crap, don't tell me you have a telepathic ability to see images like that chick in Ghost Whisperer or whatever the hell you call it when you can see scenarios in your head. How do you know I'm cute?

CP: That sounds like a mental illness

No comment

CP: Did you just insult me?

Don't tell me you're sensitive.

CP: I'm not but I think you are implying because I am texting you and trying to get to know you that I'm sick in the head or something

You really think you can get to know someone through text messaging?

CP: Sure. It's no different than online dating.

I think it's way different.

CP: I disagree.

I think you're wasting my time. Why are you asking me questions about my marriage and what I look like? Have I given any indication online that I'm looking for an affair with a cab driver?

CP: Wow, you need to calm down.

I'm serious.

CP: You're the one who put their cellphone number online.

Agreed but where does it say I'm looking for an affair or that I'm hoping some strange man will offer to drive me to work?

(pause)

Do you think that any opportunity for contact is an automatic invitation to ask me about my marriage or question my husband's faithfulness?

CP: No ... hey ... can I call you?

I won't answer. I'm not fluent in asshole.

CP: Ha ha. No really I just wanted to see what you're like.

I have enough friends.

CP: Ow. Harsh.

Well it's true. I didn't put my number online to meet people. If I wanted that, I'd try online dating where it's OBVIOUS.

CP: LOL ok point taken.

CP: Friends?

I can't believe you just asked that.

CP: Okay... just don't publish my number because you're probably going to put this online.

Oh lawdy! God forbid some woman just randomly messages you?! Right? I don't publish numbers or names and don't plan to start. However, you did say it was a great way to meet people... And now you're shy?!

CP: Whatever. Have a nice day.