Postcards from the Edge

Dear Crazy Train Reader,

By the time you read this, I will be on a beach on Georgian Bay soaking up the 27 plus degree weather and watching my six year old shrivel to a prune in the water. Thank you to those who wished me a nice holiday. Sadly, it's only from Tuesday to Friday. The cottage I am staying at belongs to a family member, so the opportunity to have it rent-free is limited. It's incredible I managed to snag it and over a few days where it's expected to be fantastic weather.

Last Thursday, I received an email from someone who told me that in the spirit of Pride Week, I should just come out and admit I am a lesbian. The "clues" that the person wrote that helped him "figure it out" was that I never write about a partner or husband (lies!), that I tend to focus solely on myself (true), that I seem to write more about what a woman looks like than describe the physical attributes of a male subject. I am obsessed with the Hulk (how this makes me a homosexual is anyone's guess) and I have a very "butch attitude" when it comes to confrontation.

In response, I had my husband write the reply. I told him to write whatever came to mind. Here's what he sent:

"Dear Ken L.
Believe me, there's no one who wishes more than me to have my wife come home one day with a female train friend, fetch me a beer, tie me to a chair and make me watch. You know what I mean (wink, nudge)? I've been telling her for years she should expand her horizons but she only has eyes for me, which is great because I'm told on my Facebook wall all the time what a great husband I am and how lucky CJ is to have me. I carefully reviewed your email and consulted with several Christian websites that promise to eradicate a person of their "gayness" and I am 100% certain that the only redemption that my wife needs is from people who send her emails like yours. If my wife were a lesbian she would be more than happy to share that with the world instead of burying "clues" in a transit blog secretly designed to be a scavenger hunt that would reveal her true sexuality.

Happy Pride, bro.
Mr. Crazy Train"