Rise of the Super-Douche

I was in the throes of fixing myself a drink, get this, 1 part GIN, 1 part GREEN APPLE MARTINI MIX, 4 parts 7UP = Alcoholic Awesomeness or AA for short, when my BlackBerry chirped. My kitchen has a butler pantry which my husband and I also call the state room (say it in a Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island voice for the full effect). It's so bizarre seeing as there's nothing fancy about this house and no dining room to speak of, so really, it's a closet with a French door. We use it as our bar. Sorry, my husband just gave me an eye-roll. *I* use it as my bar.

Sipping my AA martini, I made myself comfortable on the floor of my bar and opened up my email. I was greeted with a message from Super-Douche. Super-Douche was bat-shit angry that I published his BBM exchange. He's also super-mad that I published his user name which he now has to change since he uses it for other things. I can't imagine what those other things could be?

Anyhoo, here's what Super-Douche pounded out:

"You must be mentally retarded or have some kind of mental deficiency because I was taking YOU up on YOUR OFFER by publishing your BBM PIN to send you messages. And because you are such a cocktease the second someone tries to joke around with you, you turn into a mean vindictive shithead and then go ahead and pull the stunt of making me deaf in one ear. SECOND, you published our BBM messages and you put them in a context that made me look like an idiot and you didn't hide my user name WHICH I USE FOR OTHER THINGS. You're a stupid c---."

Oh yeah, he went there.

"You can't take a joke even when someone is joking to flirt with you. You also made it sound like I just got off a boat with the way you just left the sentences like that when people know that BBMs aren't perfect. Plus you were too pussy to publish all of it so people could read how nasty you can be when I was beating you at your own game. You're so stupid to think that I wouldn't think you'd publish what I was writing. Don't you think THAT'S WHY I wrote that way so you WOULD be gullible. You're such a fucktard. I hope it makes you happy that you've caused me grief. I should take your mobile number and plug into one of those online auto-dialers..."

By this point, I'm done my AA martini and asking my hubby his opinion on whether vodka would mix well with Kool-Aid seeing as we have no other mixable juices in the house. We're also mocking this guy who has dialed up the crazy times a billion.

"...and then you can see how much it sucks when someone violates your trust. You may think it's all innocent how you present yourself but it's mean. I really meant it when I said someone should shove a broomstick up your ass because at least it would loosen you up."

Guess what? Vodka does mix well with Bluebery Kool-Aid. My husband and I have christened the drink, "Super-Douche".

Cheers!