It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Dear Skin Man,

I know you would like it if I printed every single text exchange and I'm thinking about it ... I apologize in advance for the length of this dialogue.

I figure a Purple Rain reference is appropriate.

Also, if this text exchange was the plot for a John Hughes film (if he were still with us and making movies for this era), this is the song that would play while Ducky was staring at his iPhone, in the rain, while sitting crouched against the brick wall of a Starbucks after I rejected his Facebook friend request. I mean really, what did he expect?



Okay, I'll omit the headers in this text exchange based on requests that it's easier to follow the exchange without the phone numbers and date/time repeated. Your wish is my command.

I happened to be awake at 1:47 am when this text message came in because my daughter was up coughing up a lung. My replies are in green, bolded.

From: 1905436XXXX
To: 19054427423
November 13 2011 01:47 AM

I've just spent the last 4 hours or so reading your blog. How do you find the time?

I don't sleep.

Oh, you're there. Sorry.

Were you expecting I would have a text message answering service?

LOL no. Does such a thing even exist?

I suppose an auto responder feature would suffice.

Can't sleep?

No, kid is coughing up a lung.

Oh, hope he feels better. Don't you find it weird to just start typing with strangers?

No weirder than how you felt sending me a text.

I just figured it was the same as email.

It is. Texting is considered instant messaging.
Email is considered "Hey I have to write you a novel".

Ha ha ha. True.
So I read you're a big Prince fan.

Yep.

Me too. I can't afford to go see him as the ticket prices are outrageous.

Well I don't smoke or play bingo so I just took the money I would have spent if I did those things and bought a ticket.

Well I do smoke and it's expensive.

I've heard.

Did you ever smoke?

A little in college if out with friends at a bar and there were daiquiris involved but I would pay for it in spades for hours after because of my asthma. As it stands now, just smelling cigarette smoke makes me feel like I'm choking.

That's a good thing then.

That I have asthma or that I don't smoke?

That you have something that makes it difficult to take up the habit.

I also think it's a disgusting habit so that trumps the asthma. However, I'm an expert in addiction so I can see how need trumps the risks. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

LOL. How are you an expert in addiction?

I've had my fair share of health damaging dependencies.

Don't tell me you were addicted to cocaine!

The hell? Um. no.

Oh, I wouldn't have been surprised if you told me you were. Most people who are funny have trouble with nose candy.

Uh ... ok ...

It's true. Look at Chris Farley.

Dude, how did we go from the price of Prince tickets to Chris Farley? Or that I'm possibly addicted to blow?

LOL, ok. What row did you get?

Section 118. Can't remember the seat number or row but it's close.

Is it good?

Right beside the stage according to the seat chart.

Sounds great! What's your #1 Prince song? Purple Rain?

Actually no. It's "Take me with you". I used to drum the shit out of that song, especially the beginning and towards the end, in my dad's garage. I just love the whole arrangement. The strings and tamborine.

I can't say I know that one.

And you call yourself a fan ...

Hey just because I can't remember a song doesn't mean I'm not a fan.

Yes it does.

I'll go YouTube it right now.

You go right on ahead.

I'm listening to the song now. It's ok.

What?! How can you disrespect the song with just a "it's ok"?

I like his stuff more from the 90s.

Blasphemy! His entire song catalogue is righteous. You can't single out one particular era.

Well I like Madonna but I can't stand the stuff she's put out in the past 10 years.

You can't compare Madonna to Prince.

So there isn't a single Prince song you don't like?

I hate My Name is Prince. I also can't handle When Doves Cry.

WDC is a classic.

It is, doesn't mean I have to like it.

What bothers you about When Doves Cry?

The conga drums. There's also this repetitive piano beat. It's just two keys being pressed in double time. Drive me crazy. It shows up around the time the lyrics start with "Maybe I'm ... ". I can't listen to it.

Wow, that's pretty specific.

I also hate Do Me Baby. Song is bloody awful.

I thought you said his whole song catalogue was awesome.

I said it was righteous.

But then you also say there are songs you don't like.

I merely do not like the arrangement. The lyrics are okay. WDC has great lyrics. I hate the arrangement.

Interesting. You know, I feel like I know you now, especially after reading your blog and having this conversation.

Uh, I can't say I feel the same ...

Don't be creeped out. I'm decent.

I know you are but I've known my parents all my life and everyday there's something new I learn, like how my dad can't stand toasted whole wheat bread.

I'm serious! I mean I feel like you and I could be friends.

That's sweet ... and it's probably true....

But ...

But ... it's a bit much too soon.

Ouch. Harsh.

I take it you're a guy.

Yeah, so.

Here's the thing, the blog is a persona. Sure, I interject legit and true things about me or my life but generally, I keep a lot of things private. It's not that I don't want to meet new people. I love meeting new people but there is no way in hell you can tell if you'd like me as a friend from the way a website is produced or written.

Ok. Can we at least Facebook each other?

Dude, what part of personal don't you get? I'm not comfortable with that.

I would die 4 u.

Gett off.

Everybody Loves Me

Crazy You.

Extraordinary

Hey, I can google a list of Prince songs too, you know. You can stop now.

I'm sorry I bothered you. I figured we could at least chat since I think you're hilarious but I will admit you really hurt my feelings.

Wait ... what? Because I won't give you access to my Facebook?

What's the big deal?

It's personal. I have to believe you're trustworthy and I can't make that kind of call after a 30 minute text exchange.

It's no different than giving out a phone number.

There's a huge difference between a phone number and link to a Facebook profile.

Guess I'm just nosey.
Well like I said, I'm sorry I texted you and I'm sorry I troubled you.

I get the impression this is where you expect me to change my mind?

You should feel bad for what you said.

Feel bad for what? We're just texting. And then you made it awkward.

I'm going now. I'll just stick with the website, ok?

Well ... sure ... wasn't that the plan all along?

Bye.

Have a good night. Remember to brush your teeth in the morning!