You know, I hope one day my daughter does bless me with grandchildren so I can gather them 'round and tell them all about commuting on public transit during the olden days. So when they come visit me when I'm old and frail, they'll tell me I have the best train stories.
Today's story will not disappoint. I was excited about the prospect of being at my desk by 8am (which is rare and really nice) so I whipped out the Presto card and tapped my way onto the subway.
It's only two stops north to Queen so I didn't bother sitting, but unfortunately, I lost my balance when the train jerked to a stop mid-tunnel between King and Queen.
In a panic, I reached out for a pole, only to miss it and slammed all five of my artificial nails on my left hand (French manicure fyi, or as my husband says, "hooker fab") against the edge of the Plexiglass divider, near the doors, and next thing I know, the thumb nail and the pinky nail go sailing through the air.
I have no idea where the thumb nail went but the pinky landed in some guy's lap. He was all fancy with a dark suit and a disgusted look on his face as he stared down at his crotch area where his jacket was slightly bunched. He managed to put two and two together as I was standing right in front of him and he saw me staring at my hand.
"Excuse me," he says, his nose scrunched up. He looks absolutely horrified. I went a thousand shades of red. "Can you get your nail off me?"
I tell him I don't want it back. He says you better grab it.
The subway pulls into Queen and I lean down quickly and swipe it off his jacket and bolt from the train.
Amazeballs. Told you so. Best stories. Right here, baby.
So he was worried about touching the nails that were attached to the same hand he wanted to remove them? Logic!
ReplyDeleteOMG!! That is so funny. It looks like you just got them done as well.
ReplyDeleteJust one question: Did you mean to say sitting in this sentence.
It's only two stops north to Queen so I didn't bother standing
Keep the stories coming I love them.
Thanks Dakota! Fixed.
ReplyDeleteSo he was worried about touching the nails that were attached to the same hand he wanted to remove them? Logic!
ReplyDeleteAgain. Amazeballs.
Thank god I didn't lose an artificial leg... guy would probably faint.
That must have hurt something fierce!
ReplyDeleteI lost a fake Frenchie when I was paying for my Starbucks. Luckily it didn't go flyin' into my coffee!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteCj! Its time loose the fakies and and discover the wonderful world of Shellac nail polish. Trust me, once you go Shellac you'll never go back!!!
ReplyDeleteOh and thanks for the story! I literally lol'd at my desk!
All this drama over a FAKE body part! Imagine this guy if a strand of your hair, a real body "part", landed on him??? Or if you sneezed on him??? He'd probably go into cardiac arrest.
ReplyDeleteDude shouldn't be on public transit. Period. Dude needs a HazMat suit.
@Vanessa. Hell yeah.
ReplyDeleteit is kind of disgusting though.. i would have done the same thing, or maybe just flicked it onto the ground without even asking you to remove it.
ReplyDeleteHis reaction wasn't unexpected. However, he was incredibly, overly dramatic about it which only heightened my mortification.
ReplyDeletetrust me, on public transit, a fake fingernail is the least of this guy's worries. there's more bacteria on the seat he's sitting on than what would be on a french manicured fake fingernail
ReplyDeleteRight! Because according to whatsername, we all don't wear underwear!
ReplyDeleteI think I would have had to stop myself from laughing. The reason I would want to stop myself is I know it wrong to laugh at people when they get hurt/embarrase themselves, you almost feel on the floor right! But come on, flying finger nail is highlarious!
ReplyDeleteOr maybe it's just my immature sense of humour.
It *is* funny! Embarrassing but funny. If it wasn't for the nail landing where it did, him ponting it out, no one would have been the wiser!
ReplyDeleteThat is the funniest part! I mean, had it landed on his head no biggie. But his crotchal aread? Different story.
ReplyDeleteDude was just asking for a... nut punch!
ReplyDeleteOMG! This is the best story I've heard in a long time! Thanks for the laugh this morning CJ :)
ReplyDeleteToo bad it didn't land unsuspected in his shirt for his wife/gf to find later that night like the Doritos lady!! Or better yet land in his hair unnoticed. That would have been funny! Would you have said or done anything if it landed in his hair CJ?
ReplyDelete