Wednesday night. 5:53pm train LSE to Oshawa from Union
A few things to note, the train was packed. Kudos to the gent who hopped on at 5:52pm and told the dude bag-riding the only available seat to, "Please move your bag as I'd really like to sit... " and "Thank you so much, Sir". The thank you part was said pretty sarcastically so I believe it was meant as a "Bitch, please".
I was seated next to a man who was asleep when I got on. About 10-15 minutes into the ride, his iPhone chirps and he wakes up and answers it IN A REALLY LOUD CARIBBEAN-ACCENTED VOICE. So loud that I'm sure he caused the two guys across from us to fill their shorts because they were both startled awake.
The conversation that happened next was nothing short of astoundingly annoying, yet comical. Dude listened intently for about five minutes before he punctuated the silence with, "Mmm-mm, she know which side her bread be buttered."
This was followed by silence and then, "Pshhhaaaw, I'm telling you, SHE KNOW WHICH SIDE HER BREAD BE BUTTERED." This was followed by several exaggerated nods of his head and a lot of kissing sounds. A few minutes later, he switches ears and chuckles before exclaiming - you guessed it - "She know which side her bread is buttered!!!"
I'm getting a little concerned cause there's a lot of bread being buttered in this woman's life and I wonder if she's factored in the calories involved. Bread, especially white bread, is bad for you... and butter?! Good lord, everything in moderation but this woman is dripping in the stuff apparently and I don't even know which side! Just tell me, which side?!
We pull into Pickering. The guy is still nodding along to the conversation and I kid you not, he makes this loud guffaw and shouts into the phone, "SHE KNOW WHICH SIDE HER BREAD BE BUTTERED! See, I TOLD YOU!"
The two guys across from me were all kinds of irritated.
We pull out of Pickering. I decide, the hell with it, it's time to mess with this guy. Minutes pass and he mumbles something, then laughs and says, again, "SHE KNOW WHAT SIDE HER BREAD BE BUTTERED... followed by a low "Ya know?"
So while looking at my ebook, I mutter a long, drawn-out "Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr" which is french for butter. Loud enough for the two guys across from me to hear. So, this is how it went, all the way to Ajax:
BREAD IS BUTTERED
Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr
SHE KNOW WHICH SIDE YA KNOW
Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr
SHE KNOW HER BREAD IS BUTTERED ON THE BEST SIDE
Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr
Afer about the fifth "beurre", dude tilts his head and looks at me and gives me his best "WTF" side eye. I ignore him. Both guys across from us get up to exit at Ajax and dude beside me ends his phone call. (Thank you Jesus!)
But I wasn't done. Every time I finished a page in my ebook I muttered a long, drawn out, "Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr". After about the eight time I did this, dude kissed his teeth and said something under his breath that I didn't quite catch.
So said to him, loud enough so only he could hear, "I'm sorry, am I annoying you?" He gets all innocent and says no and faces the window. I didn't say beurre anymore after that but when his phone rang again, he didn't answer it.
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ReplyDeleteheehee. Wish I would have thought of doing something like that! Passive-Agressiveness for the win!
ReplyDeleteFor the record, you racist anonymous whose comment I deleted, dude was white. There are white people in the Caribbean you know. The accent was mentioned for emphasis. Get bent.
ReplyDeleteI'm black. Hello!
ReplyDeleteIn fact, there are so many different people of different cultures and ethnic groups who ride the GO train. I'm not from the Caribbean but the fact that you made note of the accent only added to the hilarity and the ability for me to picture the conversation. And if he was black, who care? Can we please not make this about that. Why the hell does someone have to come in and start shit? Bravo for you now stick it up your ass.
PS. I also want to know what side her bread is buttered.
***Bravo for you now stick it up your ass.
ReplyDeleteNot you, CJ.
No worries, Karen. I knew who you meant.
ReplyDeleteFound this online, although I suspect Mr. Carribean was likely speaking in a manner which meant that the unnamed woman in his conversation “knows her place”.
ReplyDeleteKnows which side of her bread is buttered : Phrases
Meaning:
A person or place that has the potential to enrich.
Example:
When her boss says jump, she says how high, only because she knows which side of her bread is buttered.
Origin:
This phrase is a reference to a Yiddish folk tale of the Wise men of Chelm.
In the tale, Chelm was a city in Poland where the people were incredibly stupid. One day someone dropped a piece of bread; it landed butter side up! Experience and Murphy's law tells us bread always falls buttered side down, the wise men of Chelm gathered to ponder why the bread landed buttered side up.
After a week the verdict was that the bread had been buttered on the wrong side.
Alternative: Dry bread can be pretty boring to eat. Bread is much tastier with some kind of spread - butter, jam, etc. Hence the person or place that provides your spread can enrich the bread eating experience.
Of course she knows which side her bread is buttered. The side that always hits the floor when you drop it.
ReplyDeleteThe issue would be would the five second rule be invoked?
Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud at work that got me into trouble :( but I still :)
CJ, you have the best stories.
I loved the ....."am I annoying you?"
ReplyDeletedouche bag be a douching!
I'm often tempted to start reading my book out loud when sitting close to one of these loud talkers. You got balls, I'll give you that.
ReplyDeleteI have a train friend who will her book aloud. It's not balls. It's called reaching the end of one's rope.
ReplyDelete@CJ
ReplyDeleteIt should also be done in a high-pitched squeal. Preferably whilst reading passages from the Bible.