The number you have dialed is in service but please don't hang up and try your call again

I took the 8:38 am OSH - UNST this morning.

Quiet train. COLD train. No heat. Not until I traveled through three coaches to the fourth coach from the rear did I find heat.

The CSA for the trip, Gary, spoke with the diction and annunciation of an aircraft pilot. I was waiting for him to tell me when we'd reach the train's top cruising speed, that's how smooth his voice was. Like butter, slowly sliding off a warm corn on the cob.

At some point during the ride, the woman across from me receives a phone call. She has her phone on her lap, balanced on her thigh. She's fast asleep. She has her headphones in and her mouth wide open. I can hear her music playing. After four annoying rings of what sounds like the theme music from the 80s video game Pole Position, the phone goes silent. Seven seconds later, it goes off again. A few people around her are showing their annoyance and I decide I'll poke the woman awake. Her phone goes silent and I lean over and tap her knee. Nothing.

Her phone goes off again. The man near us throws his newspaper down in aggravated pissed-offness.

I tap her shoulder. Nothing. I can see she's breathing so it's apparent she's in a deep REM state. Her phone goes off again

By this time, I've realized I could have robbed this woman blind. Seriously. Her purse, her iPhone, her bag. All of it.

Her phone goes off for a fourth time.

I shit you not. I pick it up and answer it. "Hello?"

"Hi ... (pause) Hello Sara? How come you weren't answering?"

"This isn't Sara. This is the woman sitting across from Sara on the train. I tried to wake her up but she's in a deep sleep and you've phoned so many times I was thinking maybe it was an emergency and so I answered it."

"WHO IS THIS?"

"A woman on the train."

"WHERE. IS. SARA?"

"Asleep, which is why I answered... "

"PLEASE PUT SARA ON THE PHONE NOW."

"I'd love to do that but she's asleep."

"Well (expletive) wake her up!!!"

"Please do not swear at me. I tried. I don't know what medication she's taking but you may want to ask the doc to change her dosage. We roll into Union around 9:40 am so try calling back around then. If she wakes up before that I'll tell you to call her. Who shall I say is calling?"

"I'm calling the police!!!"

"And tell them what?"

"THAT I AM CALLING MY (expletive) SISTER AND SOME STRANGER ANSWERS?!"

"Right, and you called four times in a row and there are people on this train who were getting annoyed and I figure hey, maybe it's an emergency and I can't wake up the owner so maybe I should answer. Your sister is fine. She's just in a coma".

"LET ME TALK TO MY SISTER!!!".

She's yelling so loudly that I pull the phone away from my ear and the man who had thrown his newspaper down is talking to me. "Hang up," he says.

I put the phone down and tap Sara again. Nothing. I grab her iPod and pull the headphone jack out. Nothing.

I can hear her sister yelling.

This has gone so awry that I am now at a loss of what to do. I can tell Sara isn't dead but now I'm wondering if she's, you know, taken something.

I confer with newspaper man. "Who cares!" He says. "Not your problem."

I dismiss him.

We're now at Danforth.

I decide that maybe it's time to visit CSA Gary in the next coach when Sara suddenly stirs and pops open her eyes.

Here's what Sara sees:

Some strange woman is holding her iPod and her iPhone is on the seat next to me. Shit. I've already regretted getting involved. This didn't go as I planned with her sister being pissed and panicked and me looking like a tool.
I angle my legs in case she decides to kick me.

I start talking. I pick up her phone and I tell her that it was ringing. A lot. I tried to wake her up. Several times. I answered her phone to:
a) quit the ringing as it was disturbing other passengers
b) field the call in case it was an emergency and I could at least assure the person she's alive but just asleep.

She doesn't say anything. She takes her iPhone from me and speaks into it. I guess her sister hung up because she proceeds to dial. I'm still holding her iPod which I motion to hand back to her.

Since this had gotten really awkward for me, I get up and head downstairs to the main level of the coach.

I didn't care to hear the conversation and don't really care what Sara and her sister had to say about me or the situation.

What I don't understand is if you're going to start sleeping hardcore on a train, why wouldn't you turn your phone off when you know you're not going to hear it?