Who here knows what a photo finish is? And I don't mean the horse racing kind.
Who here has ever launched themselves off a bus at the first sight of a Tim's or fast food joint to run across a busy highway, tears streaming down your face, hips thrusting against the violent force brewing in your bowels, hand clenched against your stomach, in search of sweet relief?
Anyone?
Let me know how it worked out for you - anonymously of course.
I almost didn't make it. It was *that* close.
Oh dear, poor you! Been there, done that, it's a "shitty" feeling. You just want to go home, shower and crawl back into bed. That's some bug you caught. Hope you're feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm picturing you in a long white gown, channeling your inner "Bridesmaids" character of choice....*chuckles*
ReplyDeleteHappened to me once. Didn't even make it out of the car. Straight home and into the shower.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, I get that feeling all the time. It's one of the *fun* things about IBS. When you gotta go, you gotta go. At least I tend to know when thing are about to hit and just work from home. And I carry medication on me always.
ReplyDeleteI was told a story once of a guy who had a job interview in London England. Train/bus times being super accurate, this gentleman had timed his commute to the minute, leaving very little time between arrival at station, and walk to meeting. Halfway through his train commute, his bowels start rumbling. Knowing he has to go and no access to a washroom, he comes up with great the idea of doing his business where he stands, then he will head into the shopping plaza before the meeting and grab a new pair of pants. So he gets to the store and runs in grabs what he needs not even caring about the price or anything, proceeds to the bathroom to clean himself up. Using the ruined pants to wipe and be certain he is clean, he tosses the soiled pants and grabs the jean jacket he just purchased.......
ReplyDeleteI could never shit my pants. I've been close but that's just so much nope.
ReplyDeleteThe worst is when you get to said bathroom and the sign says "Closed for cleaning".
ReplyDeleteOr how the intensity increases as you near a toilet.
ReplyDeletei have a similar issue with certain foods i eat, not fun.
ReplyDeletei have had to run in to restaurants on more than one occasion and pretend to look for someone, meanwhile bee lining to it to their washroom to destroy their toilet.
http://memegenerator.net/instance/56173195
ReplyDeleteHappened to me once on the GO Train. I was sick at work (stomach bug), did a few dry heaves in the washroom and then decided to go home. The train ride was 38 minutes...at about minute-35 I could feel my stomach curdling. I made the rookie mistake of not taking note of the nearest washroom on the train, and started wandering my coach...I somehow managed to walk 3/4 of the coach and not find the bathroom. I eventually sat down and tried to "deep breath" the pending vomit-attack until I could at least get off the train and onto the platform. I lasted 37 of the 38 minutes. I cough-puked ginger-ale (that's all that was in there at the time)...and I mean it sprayed...right by row of 3 seats by the doors as the train slowed to stop at my station. Pretty embarrassing in hindsight, but feeling as shitty as I did, I really didn't care about anything except getting home.
ReplyDeleteI vomited all over the seats and the floor of a quad on a night train after a long day at work. I felt awful. I left a note. I'm still fucking sorry about that 8 years later.
ReplyDeleteWas once bicycling and got a sudden urgent message.
ReplyDeletePulled into a gas station.
Station attendant gave me a long speech about the gas station being for paying customers only....blah blah blah.... my gut was doing flip flops.
I pointed out that I *was* a regular customer (I was). He wasn't buying it."We work hard to keep our facilities clean for our regular clients"
So I bought a candy bar, shoved a five dollar bill at him and told him to keep the change. He handed over the key and I ran for the washroom while trying to keep all relevant muscles clenched.
Someone mentioned the heightening sensation as one gets near the target. Its like your guts are a dog on a leash and they spot a cat.
I made it in the door - barely.
Sweat Pants were coming down around my ankles when I exploded - and I MEAN exploded. Brown fountains of liquid feces.
...but wait - MacGyver had NOTHING on me.
I got out my cell and had my wife rush over with a change of clothes.
Meanwhile, I stuffed as much TP as I could into the dumper until it plugged and overflowed.... Took my sweatpants and soaked the back in the sink then put them back on - great feeling.
Then called the gas station and yelled at the attendant that his faulty toilet had "exploded" under me. He came to the door and I screamed at him "LOOK AT THIS MESS!". Which he did.
Poor guy offered to pay my cleaning. I almost took him up on it after all, his little posturing had probably cost me the valuable seconds I had needed to complete a successful time over target,... But it will probably save me from some serious purgatory time that I told him to forget about it.
It was lovely.
Wife arrived. Changed my clothes. Went home.
Lesson learned?
Bicycle seats are no true friends to the middle aged lower intestine.
I laughed so hard at this ^^^
ReplyDeleteI love these stories. Can't wait to share them with my husband... who has one of his own he should share which involves
1. a plate of nachoes
2. 3 pounds of wings
3. 2 milkshakes
4. standard transmission pick-up truck
His boxers were stuffed in our neighbour's strawberry pot, full of shit, in the dead of winter which he then forgot about... the jeans were burned in the fire place. The car seat was vinyl, I never saw the aftermath.
I had an episode back in 1992 when I had major back surgery. I had a real bad reaction to the anesthetic and the pain pills that included constipation. Two weeks and three days worth. The doctor gave me a "stool softener" to avoid an explosion and then said to take short walks daily to help move things along. I think you can see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteAt the farthest point in my shambling (couldn't walk properly with the brace on) it happened. I started a real spastic power walk back to the house while the volcanic pressure increased. I was sure the last few yards were going to be jet assisted. I made it to the back door and made it to the powder room without a microsecond to spare. Good thing I was wearing shorts let me tell you. I spent the rest of the morning on the toilet making noises like an elephant trumpeting that made the kids howl with laughter. They were under 6 years old and kept asking for me to do it again. The toilet had to be flushed a few times to make room and the odour was, well overpowering just doesn't do it justice. Even the dog ran away from me and she always tried to open the bathroom door when someone was in there. I heard her sniff once or twice under the door and then she left and didn't come back. My legs kept falling asleep.
It was actually painful after a while. The aftershocks continued for the rest of the day so I never left the chair closest to the bathroom.
The kids remind me of that episode to this day when they want a laugh.
I have Crohns disease---not pretty. :)
ReplyDeleteCan't stop laughing at all of these stories...even my own. I remember doing the cough/puke and not even looking up, fearful of the eyes of my fellow passengers who just watched me spray the floor.
ReplyDeleteI was also once on (I think) an antibiotic which made me REALLY gassy; I sat on the toilet for probably an hour giggling at the whoopy-cushion sounds that the acoustics of the bowl made.
What happens if the train gets delayed on your way back home?
ReplyDeleteOr you get in a wreck or hit a pedestrian trying to drive back home in a mad rush? (Maybe situations like these are what's behind a lot of hit-and-runs?)
I remember trying on bridesmaid dresses with the bridal party at a posh store downtown. We had just eaten a full meaty meal at a dodgy kebab place...Then, one by one, as we paraded around the store in our dresses, we all started to perspire and grab our guts. And then we ran to the single washroom and crapped/puked all over the place (except the posh one who didn't eat the meat, she was OK).
ReplyDelete